| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2008|12:22 pm] |
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| | hier | ] |
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| |  curious | ] |
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| | nein | ] |
i never pay attention in humanities, but i always end up with these ideas (which have nothing to do with what dr. byrd's talking about)
are we meant to seek understanding of god?
to understand something, you have to move away from it, to see it clearly
to move away from god is (judeo-christianically) to go towards hell
so should we seek to understand god, and condemn ourselves, or should we blindly follow the word of his teachings? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2007|09:01 pm] |
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| | computer | ] |
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| |  mellow | ] |
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| | Get Ready -Tyler Read | ] |
Once, there was a man. A man whose sum total of time spent barefoot, discounting time spent immersed in water, numbered in mere hours. A man who looked askance at people whose feet were filthy from travelling unprotected. That is, until he met a girl. A girl so free-spirited that, after each chance meeting, he couldn't help but wonder if she were a fairy-fantasy dancing barefoot through his mind. Inspired by the girl, he resolved to spend time, alone, unhindered by his podiatric protection. He walked through his rooms with no socks, ate with no socks, grooved to whimsical Beck with no socks. And he thought, "This is glorious! The unhindered movement, the sensation of feeling the surfaces underfoot! Why have I never known of this?" And he mused, though the answer came quickly. "Those who manufacture socks... they are to blame! Their livelihood depends on the populace choosing to wrap their feet in these -- these cocoons! -- and they care not who they deprive of glorious Freedom, and Sensation!" And that very day, he vowed his vengeance on those dark-willed villians, and vowed also to spread his message to the ignorant, foot-covered populace: that caution and cleanliness are poor substitutes for Freedom and Sensation. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2007|05:13 pm] |
... gallavanting around, securing their succession by placing their tongues in others' beds. "What kind of men are these," I shudder to think. Nay, these are the Butterscotch--a brand of high-cholesterol highlanders--whose raiding parties now possess us. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|11:12 am] |
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| | nola | ] |
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| |  oh goddammit | ] |
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| | crap | ] |
well, we did denial, that was fun, i guess we're in this anger thing now, little bit gay |
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| don't read this. i promise, there is no point. |
[Apr. 4th, 2007|01:22 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | dorm | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  emo tear | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | every song with 'emo' as the genre | ] |
to everyone that has something that is incredibly meaningful or important to you: can i borrow it for a while? fuck that.
erik is tired, so i get angry at him. carli's happy, i get sullen. everyone's tired of their classes and stressing and i'm smiling. do they make medicine for that?
i wouldn't take it if there was, mind you. My brain chemicals are pretty much the only ones i would refuse to alter medicinally, barring life-and-death circumstances.
so many people say they'd take a bullet for their family/friends... how many are full of shit? i think i might be able to, but i very much doubt i would, because remember the old adage, 'he who hesitates is lost'? yeah that's me.
when people are around, i try my best to be unflappable, because apparently people see me as the guy that doesn't stress and worry and crap. of course, that doesn't apply to you guys, since if you're reading my lj, you probably know me well enough to understand what a whiny prick i am.
a number of you guys i really used to confide in (number = like 3)... but i hardly see you, you don't read my livejournal or talk to me anymore, and you've drifted all the way to another state... and you i didn't confide in so much as go to for advice, which i don't really need atm. the one person i actually talk to, i don't want to about the only thing that weighs on my mind, because i don't want to upset said person.
i can only assume, obviously, but i think it's harder on her than it is on me... i just wish i could help her... is that weird? (don't answer that)
so, according to the world, i'm destined to be miserable: i have few friends, have no social vices, give no thought to my future, i don't work hard, i can't handle disappointment, i have no drive, and no religion... how can you people bear my presence? if i described that person to you, would you choose to spend time with him? |
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| hey everyone |
[Mar. 28th, 2007|01:50 am] |
anyone that asked me about carli and i, to whom i gave an answer, please note that if you were to ask me that same question, and if i were to respond in the same manner, i would be lying to your face.
please also note that two (2) people will be allowed to mention this to me, and then not in public. anyone else with any kind words to say will, i'm sorry to say, find themselves the victims of arson. i am not ready to talk with any but those two (2). and, of course, carli.
and if you feel like testing that, please do. i've always wondered what prison is like.
the two (2) people aforementioned are amber and monte. because i don't believe either of you will let me well enough alone about it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2007|06:24 pm] |
*whine* *piss* *moan* *emoemoemo* *assface loserpants*
sorry all, for brooding, for being a stick in the mud, for being the guy that, halfway through the party, goes in the corner and cries. sorry i get jealous, sorry i ignore you, sorry i play through scenes in my head where i beat/maim/kill you (that one's guys only) and, er, sorry. oh, and the big one, sorry i'm no fun. i'm aware, thank you very much, that i'm cool and awesome and stuffs, but i am definitely not fun. and i have a suspicion that certain problems have their seed in that. (hint hint, you) |
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| I couldn't sleep, so... blah. |
[Mar. 22nd, 2007|01:53 am] |
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| | bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | alkaline trio | ] |
Suppose there is a butterfly--beautiful and wonderous. And the butterfly... well, it flies. That's what butterflies do, of course--they fly and fly, flapping their wings and visiting their friends, moving all around and doing all they care to do.
And what if there's a tree--big and settled-in. Trees don't fly, do they? No, trees do all their moving when they're tiny tiny seeds, so when they finally do become a tree they can be in their one place and have everything just so.
And butterflies love trees, surely they do, when trees stand still so the butterflies can rest in the branches...
And the trees love butterflies, of course, the beautiful wings that land with a kiss and drift away with a breeze...
But you must not think that butterflies and trees are meant to be together, for the butterfly must fly, of course, to see all that it can see, and the tree cannot fly like its beautiful friend, no... The tree is content to enjoy its time with the butterfly, and relish in the hope that it will get to see its friend again. |
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| grr |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|12:26 am] |
sooooooooooo i'm gettin a mite tired of having to convince myself at every turn that my loved ones are not plotting against me and telling me lies. yeah no. it is not a tea party. there are no scones, dammit. i'm actually fine now because carli called and i'm happy now, but still felt it had to be said. c'est tout. |
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| damn you monte |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|02:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | dorm. where else? | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Serial Sleepers - House of Heroes | ] |
talkin with monte, and a thought occurred to me... well it's a question, but i have a long-runnign history of thinking in questions... they have a way of sorting things out... it's great fun. that said.
is it better to be happy, or to be satisfied?
i'm not even clear, at the moment, on which of those i am (if not both... or neither) but it's something about which to be thought. there are some things that i definitely am happy about (i think you know who i mean) okay that thought died after that.
have i ever changed? okay, besides that one burst i had when i joined chorus and stopped being entirely asocial? hmm? i dislike saying it, but i kind of live on autopilot... i basically don't do things if someone else doesn't askmeto/tellmeto/makeme, there are increasingly more and more things i feel dishonoest when i discuss them, and for no discernable reason other than i don't have my own opinions
i had a point at some... point. but yeah, no, we're doing the 'formless thought processes' piece of thing now.
i had a bit of a revelation: i amuse myself. like, you have no idea. i spend most of my day making jokes in my head or just outside the range of hearing of other people, solely for the purpose of amusing myself. i think that that is why everyone thinks i'm funny: a) every comment i make is prescreened to make sure at least one person likes it, and is then rescreened to avoid anyone else disliking it, and b) all the time spent amusing myself has helped me look at humor in different ways, because i hear more jokes in a day than, like... anyone ever. someone asked me when the time was that they had made me laugh the hardest, then asked me why i don't laugh very hard (or, actually, at all), and i think part of that (you, person, you know... yeah) is because 1) i laugh at so much that i think that i can't let others know, or i'd have to explain and 2) i'm so used to making myself laugh that other people just invoke that same humor reflex
i have always (always) always wanted to be a comedian or a joke writer or something that makes people laugh... when people ask me what i do for fun, i answer math, but as much as i excel at math, there is nothing on this earth like making someone laugh... and conversely, there is nothing on this world like failing to induce laughter. someone doesn't get a joke, someone doesn't think i'm funny, i just cut off the rest of my mind, dwell on that, go into 'nod and smile' mode for the rest of the... ever.
i find, more and more often of late, that i need to take a deep breath to slow my thoughts. there's a bad place, a place i don't like going, and there're monsters there. everything can end badly, and there's a place where it always does. there's death there, and tears, and sharp shooting pains that end in darkness. i don't like it there. when people say 'hell', i don't conjure up images of archetypical fire and laughing demons, i see every bad thought i've ever had, and i see hate, and i see fear, and i see one person who is entirely alone, and
*deep breath*
and i spend too much time there. |
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| some days i hate myself. well, no, actually, some nights i hate myself. |
[Jan. 9th, 2007|12:08 am] |
i started the day off so well, so very well, and now...
fuck that. i'm a douche. to everyone that puts up with me, i love you. that goes double for you, carli. (maybe triple.) ((probably)) and i swear that one day i will learn to talk and think like a normal, tolerable human being, rather than the pointless bundle of cute/funny/intelligent/lazy sack of crap i am.
you see, don't you? i'm cute and funny so people will like me (it's a trap, i'm tellin ya) and i'm intelligent so i can afford to be lazy. and yet i live a solitary life. i'm dependent on you people, because if there's no food, i don't eat. if there's no one around, i wait till there is. if i lost you guys, i'd basically be fucked, because i don't make friends--no, people let me hang around (cause i stay out of the way and, again, am cute) until they're used to me, and
and i get grouchy at night. *sigh*. from now on, i go to bed at ten. i may never see any of you again, and i certainly won't get the chance to talk to you near as often, but know that you all are near to my heart, and of course that's a lie, i'd rather talk to the people that keep me from going insane with loneliness and get the occasional bout of self-worthlessness that be emotionally and mentally stable all by myself.
well, it's midnight, i need to go to bed (i need better avenues of communication with carli... or actually to make better use of the ones i have) i'm trying to train myself to wake up at 8:15ish, and my work is barely begun. but know that there was a lot more self-berating i had thought up, i'm just cutting myself off for the sake of sleep.
man, i love carli, but i just do not know what that girl sees in me. (which is fair, come to think of it, cause it occurs that i don't think she knows what i see in her...) |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2006|05:10 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the dorm | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  still fucking cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | house of heroes still | ] |
i just spent the last hour and forty-five minutes in the near-freezing cold, with a strong biting wind and no jacket, half-singing, half-screaming house of heroes at the top of my lungs, thinking about a few things (but only a little), and hoping someone would take notice of me... they were all across the street at myles', and i just hoped someone heard me... but no. a couple black guys (who laughed at me), some guy and his girlfriend, and two other separate random guys, but no one i knew. but i'm very cold (i'm actually having trouble typing, my joints are so stiff), with any luck i won't be able to talk tomorrow, and i still have math homework. and i did get to see sary, in itself a joyous occasion, but it left me with somewhat less than the fuzzy-happy feeling i'd've preferred.
i can't complain, i know. i'm the one that doesn't talk. sary was here for a matter of hours, and basically i cleaned stuff and juggled and ate while sary and matt caught up. if i read this post out loud, it would probably be more than i said to sary all night. i'd ask what's wrong with me but i've got a pretty good idea, methinks, though i'm either wrong or it's not near so bad as i imagine it to be--this is so often the way.
i'm lucky i have carli... so lucky that any situation, to my mind, would be better if i was doing whatever i was doing with her... or not doing what i'm doing with her... or heck just seeing her in-between... these past couple of days have been really hard for some reason, and every time i talk to her everything is suddenly all better... i can't wait till i see her tomorrow, even if all i can do is fall asleep near her... cause i have some mother-fucking god-damned homework to do, and i doubt i'll be sleeping much tonight.
oh, and losing your mind? not fun. not the way i'm doing it, anyway. |
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| hey, not too shabby |
[Nov. 29th, 2006|12:49 pm] |
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| | House of Heroes | ] |
You are The Sun
Happiness, Content, Joy.
The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.
Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.
The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out. |
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| man, i wish the walk from english to the dorm was shorter |
[Nov. 27th, 2006|04:44 pm] |
so. while i hate my english class, it usually gets me in a good philosophical mood. and here we are.
freedom. i've spent a great deal of time recently thinking about it, as a very free-valued element was recently introduced into my life. (i looove you!!) and i just cannot resolve the concept of freedom in my head... to me, freedom just isn't as all-important as sooo many people stress that it is. i mean, a) logically, nothing and no one is ever free. there's always another layer of indisputable laws that must be followed. even God did nothing outside the realm of godliness in all his time as infite ruler of the cosmos. if we transcend everything we know, we simply put ourselves in a different layer of restrictions.
and, personally, while i do have moments where i wish i could be 'free', i know that that's not what i want. there's talk of, 'you're just afraid to see what freedom is like', but i don't want that freedom, i want rules, i want laws. not that some freedom doesn't always exist, because as above there is always a level of freedom that cannot be restricted; there is always a unit of entropy, be it one per ten trillion litres of concrete. To my mind, freedom isn't anything special anyway--classic example of the child: they color outside the lines, and people call this creativity and innocence, that they are truly free; but to do something within the restrictions of laws and science and rules and guidelines and still have a creative piece, that is what is good and true (couldn't think of any other adjectives, sorry).
i don't generally respect abstract art--'oooh, it has no rules... awshome' no. it fails. it can be pretty. but still fails. it doesn't matter what your qualifications are for saying that something is what it is, it's not art just because it 'makes a statement' or 'it's an expression of my soul'. art imitates life, and life follows rules. the fact that what we are, that we can have souls and minds and thoughts while still existing as part of the physical world, as a neuronet of impulses and chemicals and charges that in the end only do what they do because of physics... that's the greatest idea in the world! that's what makes life so spectacular, the fact that it really shouldn't work. and life doesn't defy the rules of the world it is integrated into--life follows the rules fastidiously. we are what we are, physical beings bound by the laws of nature and science, and we do... things that just--where, in the big book of matter, is it written that stuff will suddenly come together and make a thing that can move of it's own volition, even if that volition has yet to evolve? why can a self-contained system such as a person respond to stimuli, forumlate abstract concepts, friggin make stuff up that isn't even real, but still follow to the letter that which is the code of existance, that objects in motion tend to stay in motion, that objects at rest tend to stay at rest? i don't know, and neither does anyone else. that's why it's great.
okay, breaking flow, but i wanted to address some other stuff about why i don't advocate freedom (yeah, i know my previous paragraph defeated my point somewhat)
people drink, and they become 'freer' and 'looser' (i lose) and everyone has great fun and that's all great and it appeals to them (and apparently a lot of people) but what part of that is supposed to appeal to me? what part of that is good? why am i changing the laws of who and what i am? i like to think that, at my heart, i am a quiet, reserved person, a person of whom people say, 'oh, bobby? he's great, but he doesn't talk much.' that's just what i want to be. and i am aware that that is changing, slowly, but i have no desire to hasten the process, nor do i particularly want to be that... i want to be where and what i am now, right now, at this very instant. the rules i follow, the things i do, are generally the way i want them to be, even if transiently wish them to be different, because i am totally satisfied, and that's fine with me
okay now, dreams. in a dream, anything is possible and everything is free. me, i don't much care for dreams. i'm sure that'll change if i ever manage to get into my dreams, but i just don't generally have a good experience when i dream. i end up placing myself in horror or disaster movie settings, or i lose someone (someone incredibly close and dear to me). so i ask why, why would i want the freedom for these things to happen? why is my incredibly good reality shadowed and mirrored by some evil world where nothing goes right, where my love is stolen right out from under my nose, where monsters can attack and destroy my home and i just can't do anything?
and i say all this, that i don't like freedom, that that's not the kind of thing i go for, and i think it's because i'm so reactionary in my ideas... i'm incredibly creative (or so my friends would have me believe), but i have so very much trouble just pulling an idea out of my ass. i require something else to get me started. i'm really funny, but i'm not funny if i'm the only one talking, i'm only funny if i have other people around me, people i can bounce ideas off of, people whose thoughts i can steal and warp, people whose words can be twisted... erik and i, best of friends, since third grade, and it works so well because we're so very different, but still very similar, and we have an innate capability to bounce ideas off of each other, to get meaning across to each other, and we've decided that we just resonate with each other, together we're just infitely more interesting than either of us seperately. one of my favorite kinds of humor, what i aspire to be when i grow up? mst3k humor. reactionary comedy. they watch a movie and chaos ensues. that's what i want, that's what i am. it's like muscle tissue: it is strength, it can drag a mack truck down a highway by way of a bar in its teeth. but without rigidity, without bones for them to attach to and pull on, they would be almost totally useless. it's fine and dandy to do something without rules, but it takes true genius to work with the rules to make totally unexpected results. Take it from the math major--life without rules, without a system, has trouble getting anywhere.
just as a brief point (i hope), that the reason, say, poetic liscence works, the reason they can break rules and have it make so much more emphasis, is that there are rules to break. and breaking the rules of a system on purpose is a far cry from 'freedom'... it's another form of working within the system by stepping outside it briefly. it's freedom within a system that is worthy of effort, not freedom from a system. something i feel many people could certainly benefit from. |
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| great night |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|07:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | where am i? | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cold, yes, that'll do | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | alkaline trio - from here to infirmary | ] |
so, last night, amber's birthday
sushi place: good stuff...me, monte, and carli kinda had our own little party all to ourselves down on the end, but it's all good
amber's house: drinking games, drunk twister, fun stuff
amber's house later: me, buncha drunk people. everyone else had left or gone to bed. lots of drunk making out. started off all in good fun... got old after a bit. had to pry monte off my girlfriend more than once. what a time for meaghan to be sick. eventually, i get tired of teh drunkenness and leave.
all in all, a good night. i even got something out of the part i dinnae like--strengthened resolve that i refuse to drink. at all. ever. and hey, go read this again: related previous post |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|12:02 pm] |
New news first: I'm out of the hospital.
Old news: I was in the hospital.
So yeah, monday, around noon, i decided was going to puke, so i didn't go to class... then i puked. and puked. and puuuuked. 3 or 4 or 5, i went home. 1 AM, i went to the emergency room. 3 AM, diagnosis: pancreatitis (enlarging and swelling of the pancreas). then things look up. by which i mean they gave me vomit suppressants (or whatever they call em) and painkillers, so i basically woke up wednesday afternoon, got to see carli visiting, then had my first meal in two days, then went back to sleep. woke up today, had breakfast (first time in months!) and got released. the moral of the story: acne medicine can kill. (oh snaps) |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|06:33 pm] |
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| |  amused | ] |
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lordofsarlock's journal
not evil.
bored
satisfied